Can a letter make the difference?
by harmswife
Summary: What if Harm wrote a letter to Mac? What would it say, and how would she take it? HM
1. Default Chapter

Hey, this is my second fic to post here. As usual, R&R please. LOL I have the whole thing written out, but I will only post if I get good reviews. OK, I will post if I get reviews, good or bad! I will take what I can get!!   
  
Disclaimers: Standard, not mine. I do not own JAG, DJE, CB, Bud, or Sturgis. I would love to own Harm though. *giggles*   
  
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Mac was working in her office when there was a knock on her door. "Enter," she called, never looking up. Tiner entered and held her mail out to her. Glancing up, she thanked him and took it. Quickly she thumbed through it, one peice catching her eye. It was a letter, addressed to Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, USMC. The handwriting was all too  
  
familiar, and she immediately stopped what she was doing to open and read it. She turned her back to the closed door, and the bullpen just past that. Pulling out the two pages, she began to read.   
  
Ninja Girl,   
  
I sit here, writing this to you because I can not say it to your face. I want to, but something stops me. I don't know what it is, but I want to figure it out. Maybe it is the fear. The fear to let go, to lose control. When I lose control, people get hurt, and some die. I don't want to hurt you, and it would kill me if you died because of me.   
  
I fear I am losing you though. You always swore that I never would, but things have changed. Because I was unable to let go that night in Sydney Harbor, I almost lost you. I knew what you were asking from me, but you didn't understand what I was asking from you. And because of that, I almost lost you.   
  
That night on the Admiral's porch, when we talked, I thought you had been happy. I thought that was what you wanted. And until that night, I was happy you were happy. Then, things happened. I lost control again. I hurt Skates, and I almost died. And, you were hurt then too. All I could think that night while in the ocean was about you. You were the only one keeping me alive, again. I have lost count of how many times you and I have saved each other. It is because of you that I am alive. I thought, after that, we were finally going to lay it all out and end the dance. But once again, fate played a cruel trick on us.   
  
Slowly and painstakingly, we have rebuilt and repaired our friendship. We got back to where we use to be, and still, I wanted more.   
  
You accused me of only having feelings for you when you have one foot out the door. That is not true. After everything that has happened, I didn't want to risk moving too fast and losing you. I was giving you time and room, which now I see you didn't need.   
  
You said things between us will never work because we both want to be on top, physically and emotionally. But, that is not true either. I just want to be with you. I don't care where or how, as long as you are there.   
  
God knows we've both made mistakes, both small and large ones. And we have hurt one another. I am tired of hurting you. We have been through so much more than anyone else I know. And no matter what, we stood by one another. From 'crossing the line' to 'playing Gypsies' in Russia, lost in the deserts of Afghanistan to following me Checnya, you never left my side. No matter the danger to yourself.   
  
You cried with me when I told my dad goodbye that final time, and you rejoiced with me when we discovered my half-brother. I will never stop being grateful to you for that. And, I am not sure if you will ever know how much that meant to me.   
  
I will continue to stand by you, no matter what. I will always be here if you need me, never doubt that. But, something has to give, things can not stay the way they are.   
  
No matter what, I will still love you. I have been amazed by you since that first time we met at the Rose Garden. Your determination, your strength, and your courage all amaze me. You have overcome unbelievable odds, and conquered a painful past. Everything in your past has only strengthened you. I am so proud of what you have become dispite  
  
everything. I thank the heaven's above for even knowing you. You have been an inspiration to me, to everyone who knows you. You make us want to be better.   
  
Now, we are at a crossroads. I can't be just your friend anymore. Either I need to be more than a friend, or else I need to move on. I don't want to move on, but the choice is yours, and yours alone.   
  
I will wait for your response. You have one week. If by zero hundred Monday, I have not heard from you, I will assume you want this to end, and I will leave you alone. Goodbye Sarah.   
  
Flyboy  
  
Mac wiped the tears back from her eyes before turning and grabbing her purse out from her desk drawer. Rushing from her office, she barely mananged to grab her cover before running to the stairs, not wanting to waste time with the elevator. She needed to think, and she could not do that at JAG. She jumped in her car and slammed it into gear as she  
  
peeled out of the driveway. 


	2. An update on Life

Hey, everyone. I just needed to let you know I am still alive. I moved recently, and now I have no internet access. I am hoping to regain my internet this week at some point, and I can post more then. I have the story ready to post, just not able to post it. Sorry for the delay, but it will be worth it.   
  
I am getting ready to leave for bootcamp in less than a month, so the story will be completely posted by then, promise.   
  
Harm's wife 


	3. Realization hits home

A/N: Sorry this took me so long. I am getting ready to leave for Marine Corp bootcamp, and times (especially holidays) have been insane. Everyone wants to see me, and I also moved out of my house I was in. I have this all written out, and will post more soon. Probably one or two more posts. It will be completely posted by Sunday night.   
  
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She drove around Washington aimlessly for the next hour. As she pulled into the parking lot, she realized subconsciously she had come to Harm's. Shaking her head, she turned back out of the driveway, still not sure what she was going to say to him. She went to a nearby park they she and Harm had once run at. Parking in the lot, she got out of her car and began to walk the once familiar trails. After walking them for 22 minutes, her cell phone rang. She pulled it out of her coat pocket and noticed it was someone from JAG calling. She suddenly realized how abruptly she had left, and she knew someone had to  
  
have noticed. Sighing, she answered the phone, "Colonel MacKenzie."   
  
On the other end was the Admiral. "Colonel, are you OK?" Mac thought about lying to him, but decided against it. "Not really sir. With your permission, I would like to take the rest of the day off." "If you need it, take it Mac. Granted." Mac thanked him. She could hear the worry in his voice, and knew there was nothing she could say to make him stop  
  
worrying about her. Mac hung up the phone and sat down on a bench near the playground. She watched two young children play on the equipment. The older one was a boy, with dark brown hair and a smile a mile wide. The little girl had her red hair in two braids, and freckles all over her face. Mac watched them for awhile, and thought about her future kids the whole time. 'Will I ever have kids? Harm and I have that baby deal coming up, but can I really go through with it? Would he? I want children, I really do, despite what I told Harm just before AJ's last birthday. Maybe if I had really told him the truth then, we would not be in this mess that we are in now. I would be pregnant, if not have just given birth to a child. What would our children look like? Would they have his eyes, and my brain? Or, if we had a little boy, would he too look so much like his dad, the way his dad looked like his grandfather?' Mac suddenly realized how she was thinking. Not thinking 'maybe', but thinking 'when'. She knew that no matter what happened  
  
between them, they would make it through it. They always did.  
  
Grabbing her keys out of her pocket, she hurried back to her car. In less than ten minutes, she was in front of Harm's door. As she raised her hand to knock, she noticed her hand shaking. Taking a deep breath, she knocked. And waited. There was no sound from inside. She pulled her keys out again, and slowly unlocked his door. 'Does this qualify as  
  
an emergency? Yes, it does.' Mac rationalized. As she peeked her head inside, she did not see Harm. "Harm?" she called out. There was no answer. 'Maybe he went out somewhere.' Mac closed the door behind her and walked over to the couch. She laid down on it, and soon fell asleep.   
  
Hours later, Mac awoke. Groggily looking around, she realized she was still at Harm's apartment, and it was dark. Her internal clock told her that it was 2345. Her sore muscles let her know falling asleep on the couch was not a good idea as she walked towards the bathroom. Passing the bed, she realized it was still empty. 'Where is he?' On her way  
  
back out of the bathroom, she gave into temptation went to his closet to grab one of his Navy shirts and some sweatpants. Slipping them on, she hung her uniform up and crawled between the sheets to sleep some more.   
  
When she awoke a few hours later, the sun was starting to come in through the windows across the apartment, but still no sign of Harm. Trying not to assume anything, she got dressed for work. Before she walked out the door, she left a note on his counter, where he would see it as he walked in.   
  
Harm,  
  
If you are reading this, then you are home. I was here last night, waiting for you. I will be back tonight.   
  
Mac 


End file.
